A couple of weeks ago I got to travel to Croatia for a series of gigs, as part of an event called 'London Calling'. I'd never been there before and my knowledge of history, politics and World Cup football is so poor that I had no idea what to expect. Come with me then, on an epic journey to uncharted (by me) Eastern Europe. With photos. And some jokes. But mostly photos.
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| Me, Adam, Danny, Elena, Luca |
There were 4 of us heading off on this adventure:
Adam Crow,
Danny Ward,
Elena Procopiu and myself. Elena is a bit Romanian so we thought she'd have a head start, which I think is about as ignorant as assuming a Frenchman would have a headstart in Wales. Rugby notwithstanding.
We arrived in Rijeka, at a tiny airport made of old grey weathered concrete where people were drinking beer on a balcony and waving as we arrived. In a good, welcoming way, not a Club 18-30 foam party way. I was excited.
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| Grown men excited by snow |
The coastal part of Croatia where we landed was quite beautiful and the weather was delightfully temperate, so immediately we headed away from that lest our dour Britishness be tarnished. After a series of motorways and tunnels through mountains we arrived in Narnia. There was snow on the ground. I was more excited.
Our Man On The Ground for this part of our trip was Luca. He plays rugby for the
national team. We found out. After plying him with drinks. He tried to play it down but my lack of sporting knowledge meant that I assume he is basically the Croatian Beckham. With less hair.
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| Tasty tasty obesity |
As far as food goes, I had no idea what to expect from our host nation. I had suspected potatoes, meat, pastry and cholesterol would play a large part in the national gastronomy and boy was I not disappointed. Before we'd even arrived at our first destination of Zagreb, Luca had taken us to eat
'burek' at "the best place in town". It's kind of a cross between a pasty, a kebab and a heart attack, filled as it is with cheese or 'meat' (we didn't ask). The classic accompaniment is a yoghurt, which seemed weird but somehow worked. When in Rome, right? Suffice it to say the burek was delicious and had late-night drunken indulgence written all over it. (Can you feel the foreshadowing?).
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| Adam doing the business in Zagreb |
Our first show was in
Zagreb, capital of Croatia. Sadly we didn't get to see much of the city as no sooner had we arrived at the hotel were we wandering aimlessly around trying to find the venue, a nice little bar whose name now, as then, eludes me... Thankfully the bar was full of eager comedy fans who spoke excellent English and our trepidation was swiftly quelled as the first laughs came... We couldn't have asked for a nicer first show and all of us had a great time.
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| Sweet nectar |
Post-show we were treated to another Croatian delicacy. Can you call alcohol a delicacy? The hard liquor or choice in this part of the world is called
'rakija' and comes in a variety of flavours such as honey and ICantFeelMyFace.
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| Sweet! Neck tar. |
Our hosts were very hospitable in this regard and thus the rest of the night is memorable only via photos. Like a murder commited under hypnosis. Thanks Croatia! We were also surprised to find that smoking indoors is still legal. It was an odd throwback to how comedy clubs must have been 10 years ago in the UK. I don't smoke but the novelty factor alone made it worth a photo. (I don't miss smelling like a bonfire the next day though).
The next day we hit the road for the 4-hour journey to
Osijek, in eastern Croatia. Luka handed the reigns to Vaz, who was to be our Guy for the next 3 days. Vaz once won the Croatian version of TV show
'Survivor' which was a fact-nugget to rival Luka's rugby bombshell. The drive from Zagreb to Osijek was basically One Long Road but we passed through a lot of
beautiful countryside and looked at old stuff out the window.
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| A thing of beauty. |
One thing that is prevalent in Croatia is coffee. They love coffee. I think I drank somewhere in the region of 427 cups while we were there. And it's not been infiltrated by Starbucks yet (They do have
McDonalds though. Sorry) so it's served in regular sized cups rather than
vats bigger than the human stomach. Just look at this presentation in a MOTORWAY SERVICES. Buck your ideas up Welcome Break. Some people may have visited a war museum. I took pictures of drinks.
Osijek is the 4th largest city in Croatia and it was here we were to perform the next 2 nights at a
lovely 200-seater theatre. Before that though, there was the small matter of food. Yes, we're teetering on the edge of this becoming a food blog, but with scant spare time in a foreign land you have to focus on what you're good at. I've been eating for more years than I've been telling jokes although they both often involve a lot of shit falling out of my mouth.
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| The meat cellar. |
We were taken to a huge wooden door that led down some stairs into a gorgeous basement restaurant, where we were fed an enormous meat feast and I got to overuse the phrase "
postprandial nap". There were fears that we could be being fattened up in a sort of human fois gras situation before having our
kidneys stolen but these fears were soon put to bed. As were we, in our postprandial naps.
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| Hello Wembley. |
The gigs in Osijek were a delight. 2 sold-out nights at a fantastic theatre where people were excited and enthused to see comedy. It's so nice to perform shows where the audience is on your side before the show even starts. I imagine that must be the joy of big success. Until you're playing
Madison Square Garden or Wembley and it's impossible to judge what's funny. Or maybe I just get
booked to play the wrong clubs. Either way, everyone did great in Osijek and we were afforded a fantastic reception.
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| Osijek town square. |
During the 2nd day in Osijek we visited the local library where they held a Q & A session for local students about the shows we were doing and comedy in general. It was a fun diversion and let's face it, any excuse to get out of class is a win.
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| Team Burek |
After the show on the 2nd night we did a radio interview with some local university students, who also took us out to show us the highlights of their city, which included an
underground jazz bar, rakija, local beers, more rakija, a secret bar opposite a brothel and late-night burek (told you). Everyone was so hospitable it was a bloody treat.
And so the final day arrived. Bleary-eyed but kidneys intact we piled back into the minibus for the 4-hour drive to Zagreb, then another 2 hours to
Rijeka for the final show. Elena had to head back to London before this show, so we were joined for the final leg by Croatian native
Andrea Andrassy, who was rather impressively doing the gig in English. This was definitely preferable to us doing the gig in Croatian.
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| Andrea + crazy opulent setting. |
Our time in Rijeka was short, but we managed to squeeze in 2 shows in one night at a spectacular venue which was an idyllic setting for this British manchild to utter the phrase
"jealous otter fisting" to an innocent foreign audience including a 14-year-old boy. I'm like a missionary.
A brief visit to the event organiser's jazz bar (who
doesn't love a jazz bar) rounded off a great evening and a fantastic trip: Awesome shows, lovely people, delicious burek. Thanks for having me Croatia! (When can I come back?)
AND THAT IS WHAT I DID THIS
SUMMER AUTUMN x
